there is so much to do.

perhaps that is why i never wrote it down with a plan, because that would make it all too clear. but that is what i needed. a plan. and now that i have one, i am giving up.

i think it can be done, but i don’t think i have the determination to run a whole campaign and to build the software. i just can’t do it. i am lazy by design. i don’t want to work.

i am trying to implement a simple modal login script after a user submits a form allowing them to either login, create an account, or post anonymously. and i can’t do it. well, not that i can’t because i can, but not in the hour that i had scheduled to fix this problem.

there is too much to do in too little time. i have failed before i have started. and i am just pissing in the wind, so they say.

what now?

i have wasted an entire year. i am unemployed. i have very little money. i have very little experience. most importantly, i have very little self confidence. i am dead inside right now, and i don’t think anything will bring me out of it anytime soon. fucked. or not. perhaps that is what i am missing.

free sex, easy credit, i offer none.

a whole year. well, not quite yet, but when july 24th rolls around, then i can be depressed and mope like a little angry baby addicted to meth.

my dad is going to hate me. i think that is where i am the most fucked. i tried to do this. he had faith. it was too much, and i knew it, but i tried anyway, and now i have failed, how do i break it to him? what the fuck do i do? can i just curl up in a ball and disappear?

i am tired of convincing people that they can have liberty, that they can have a voice, that they can change government and live in their own utopia. fuck you. eat the status quo. you deserve it. i am just pissed that your apathy has fucked me into it as well. you fucking assholes. fuck all of you.

if i could make a difference without you, i would.

when i ask people for help, they tell me what i need to be doing. that is not help. that is advice. and that is not what i was asking for. instead of “you need to be calling people” say “i am going to call people”. that is help. my message was empower the people.

empower the people.

that is strong verbiage. it means don’t look to me. do it. what can you do to empower the people. i don’t want to micromanage you. i am giving you a vision. fucking do it. if you are doing something and it is empowering the people, then you are doing something right. it doesn’t matter what it is. empower the people. but you just don’t get it. yet or ever.

help.

i have been told that i have to be the leader and i have to present a plan. i did. but you weren’t ready for it.

what am i doing right now?

nothing

it’s hitting me. its hitting me hard

in the background i am burning a dvd, importing hd video, and rocking out to sting? ooh. that needs to change. a sermon. no police. replace them with led. i love thee computer. even if you are a bit laggy in this text box.

i am making a cooking show. but you already knew that. god bless you. i should top the cake by importing my photos at the same time. that would be intense. my dad was talking to me about eighty twenty time. and i dont know if this qualifies for being productive? i did just film some video, but you can’t see my face very well. the sun was directly overhead. i need a light on the ground. up at my face. i bet ralph has that.

talk about technology

i just read an article about the illegal atrocious bail out of bear sterns. conned by the bankers once more. america is getting used to bending over. it’s just paper.

one part that concerned me was that they mentioned “now that eliot spritzer was out of the way”. he was torn down a few months earlier for being involved in a high class prostitution ring. i wonder how he got into that. i wonder how they will ruin me. how resilient can you be when you have nothing to lose. give me liberty or give me death. let it be known. i am not scared of becoming a martyr. recognized or not. i am enough.

danielle talks a million words a second, but she is more intelligent than beautiful, and she is gorgeous. she had an interesting point of view. we were talking about buddy jesus and the devout kids we hang out with. “if i say i believe in something, i am bound to that and will reject future advancement, but if i don’t know, i am free to explore, and thus more powerful”. this is the knowledge i was looking for. because i knew that not knowing was powerful, but was thrown off by its vulnerability, but she unlocked the puzzle. embrace your uncertainty. and perhaps i presented it wrong, so just take the gist, and i am certain that is not a direct quote.

i would be in love if i remembered how.

god comes from german or dutch. what did they call god in the ancient world? the utterance? i want to know.

nick said he would run for district two. i have to make this happen. what do i need to do? guide me! please. i beg you. would you trust cartoons? you may have no choice. which is a horrible perception. especially when it becomes your reality.

some people get the hiccups when they have been drinking. i get the sneezes. achoo. my heart is skipping beats. my eyes are closed. and particles are leaving my mouth at over one hundred miles an hour. so an hour from now, my germs will be a mile away from me, which is good news for me. right? planetary plague. i’ll drink to that.

empirical fact: when i have short hair an no girlfriend, i shower less often. a lemma can be drawn that long hair makes showering a necessity and a girlfriend makes showering a courtesy, and with neither an optional pleasure that i often overlook.

i had a dream last night that my front teeth broke off. like half way. and i was cool with it because i was reaping what i sowed. which makes me miss malie. different liquids have different properties. some are park place. don’t worry bout tomorrow. it’s your life. yeah yeah. wooaaaaah.

i would like to get to know you in biblical context. i wonder what a christian would say to that?

it is funny when you haven’t seen a person in a while. and they got fat. and you have some sort of vengeance stowed deep down for them. especially when you invited them to prom and they were a total bitch to you the whole time. i laughed tonight. bitch.

do as i say, not as i do. taboo.

it’s midnight. i just poured a drink