heaven. here on earth. here in my yard. here.

i like the fact that do what thou wilt is a tetragram. just as yhwh is. crowley is even more of a genius than i had originally suspected. i wonder if he divined it, or he actually just made it all work. like coincidences in fate. predestined once you open your mind to reality.

i taught my mom about the universal ego today.

i would like to give her a proper hug. i was, am, honest. more so with her than any other. i sincerely expressed my depression, anger and frustration. and she thought it was odd, the situation as it is. perhaps not my time, but offered her sister instead. a far figment. away, and understood. sufficient? the temporaryness, perhaps unbearable. she is right. i give my whole heart, and that is why it has hurt so much in the past. when it was stepped on. neglected. discarded as ordinary or less than acceptable. it still hurts. i am still damaged. to love again is a struggle. to feel unconditionally, without thought, freely and have it reciprocated, i am timid.

i showed her my fort. i showed her, her life in the future. i showered her with what feeling i could muster, but still i thought. our connection missed. our baggage returned. strain. it is too real. to perfect, we may never. she still does not see it. and i am speaking to myself. what am i missing? open your eyes i want to scream, and perhaps i should. be me. be you. be we.

she is not the one. two different. four we are apart. i am science, she is love. i can be proven and she has no reason. it comes. it goes. and perhaps i am this close to touching it, but i can’t. i won’t. all for nothing i may never know. destiny in the air. an opportunity for a pair. it’s all related, something we never grow out of. recurring. remembering. heavy in the light. somewhere. blessed.

metal machine. mental machine. it’s all the same.

when i find it, i will tell you.

command me o pentagram. point me in the right direction. save me from sacrafice. give me what i knead.

love is the law, love under will.

move over lucifer, i’m more ruthless. i sat with a girl in a tree today.

it is amazing that they were still developing latin in the seventeenth century, yet it is dead today. or mostly dead. only those who know, warrant it. this spoon is too big for the learning channel. there is such a thing.

the generator just kicked on. i bet the hydro is out.

designing things which you have no idea of the outcome. no expectations. only figments. yet when you get there, you can verify, yes, this is what i wanted, even though it’s just a joke. this is hard for many people. knowing. when you do. and not before.

i met today about a community garden. i was mostly quiet. if i say anything here, it is sure to haunt me. i can not be honest. even using psuedonyms. or even vague descriptions about what happened. there was a lot of denial. and frustration. we will meet again in three weeks. perhaps something will get done as a group then. per haps.

i only want to draw spirals. and ghost write notes. emptying your expectations, draining your adrenals. you’ll start feeling better in a half hour. and it is not really whether it happened or not, but if you believe that i did it. like controlling the weather. or satisfying your needs. or getting stuff done. slaying entropy is futile. as soon as you turn around. the effort you exert can never be regained. despite energy’s immortallity. states will always be at war. raw stasis. part one. suggesting it should be read backwards, a cyclic, vicious, viscous flower. until it all evaporates.

left with nothing. right about everything. thrown up. slowed down.

cheese.

dear mr obama, please stop killing people in iraq.

it tastes the same every time. consume. corrupt. corrugated cardboard. shipped around the world. to a town near you. escape mankind, i dare you. another cruelty of impossible proportions. mutually assured destruction. the kiss of death from your mom. even the fool is liable.

i have hung up my orange hat for a while. i no longer believe. i can’t cant feeling.

intention all. it is words that are the corruption. we inert.

i woke at seven forty five today. without an alarm. then around eight thirty, the yoga students showed up. kaitlin went out to qualm the dog, but only managed to make it worse. i got angry. first off, it should be my mom taking control of the dog when her guests are arriving. second, STOP BABY TALKING THE FUCKING DOG. and nagging at it hoping it will obey. you command that fucker or you kill yourself, period.

anger sucks, but i am riddled with it. instead of going to yoga, i didn’t do shit. looking at stupid images. reading the fucked up news about the fucked up world and how people are so fucking stupid they think that lithium ion batteries are going to save the world. they think they can keep driving their cars. they think they can keep raping the planet. the bitch on cnn said “exploiting the bolivian lithium”. they actively use the words of terrorists, yet… fuck it.

WAKE THE FUCK UP, THE EARTH IS DYING!

the greatest failure of our time is not understanding the simple exponential function. if you don’t know what i am talking about, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. either that or you don’t even care.

see.

anger. it’s not getting me anywhere. it’s only making you defensive, like “it’s not my fault”. it is. if you are silent, you are the culprit. the scourage. the plague.

it is hard to find happiness in my isolation. mankind is meant to share, to love, to be human. though it is a group effort, and we all must realize the path. it is already too late, so we must cut the weak and unfit to save ourselves if there is to be any future. the Tralfamadorians were right.

unfortunately i have slipped back. i now am told what to do again. i have a list handed down to me. i am no longer of my own free will. i am an indentured servant. apparently thought to be incapable in almost any leadership respect. the fact is, if i was in charge, i would do less. ambition only leads to destruction. killing this, changing that, and tearing nature apart. ebb and flow mr beal.

i wish i didn’t have to eat.

one day that will be. for now, i only stupify myself. get to work slave. get off your fucking computer. look at me, i’m covered in gold.

idolize.

what am i waiting for. blame the system.