i got out of bed at ten. after setting my alarm for seven, hitting snooze twice, and then turning it off, thinking, i don’t give a fuck.

where is my zest? where is my passion? i pretend as if these things come from the outside. and i have lost them. underappreciating yourself is probably one of the most dangerous sins. lacking gratitude and elation for everything in every way.

needing drugs to get out of bed. what’s the point.

i love it. a shameless stoner. “i’m gonna roll a joint! ooh, look, organic coffee. life is great”. turns out she is best friends with mallion. small world, big island.

i decided to take charge and steer the conversations tonight. and sure enough, there were glints of illuminism. not quite the realization that this is our problem and the actions we are taking right now really matter, but a subtle echo of acknowledgement. seeing the problem. building solutions may be beyond these people. it may be beyond myself. i can only save my soul. bah.

arrogance.

pride.

sin. the fate of things has been decided. it was always. if that isn’t a contradiction. yeah, but what’s outside of that?! intelligence and jokers. creationists. good people? i am hardly worthy. preaching from my pulpit. more of a fool than those i condemn as vulgar.

one kid liked to ask off the wall questions. quickly get at the underlying reasons for responses. he is already going to tell you what you know before you began. a broken record of creativity. it’s not a party if you do it every night. he is me. he is not me. it is wicked hanging out with the misfits. jane and i probably don’t belong. but we are country folk. neither craig and jen. we all share a common thread. but not common in that manner.

everything is god.

maybe we’ll go surfing.

i saw my friend jane today. so necessary.

let me start by expressing frustration. mostly towards myself. minly towards what is. and what i can not change. even with choices.

i look outside and it is beautiful. i look inside and it is empty. repeating the same mistakes. dwelling in an unreachable destination. longing because i can’t see it, but i can see IT. not appreciating what i have. cursed by distance and time and moral duty.

i am probably being ignored. i don’t know. i don’t want to. for my world and my life consists of my reality, and you can’t make it for me. even though it hurts.

why would i get dumpy? cause i have no discipline. i am failing to look forward and realize that i am on the right path right now and everything that is perfect. but i am not dumpy. i am just lonely. i am forgetting to love myself. and it is before noon!

i thought i could move on. maybe i should write that on my whiteboard. maybe i should give you a clue to who you are. change the tense and build a fence. i have lost the battle, but why does it feel like i am still losing? does dying hurt after you’ve done it? immortal sorrow. nay. life is sorrow. death is bliss. the existance of nothing is what causes the pain.

come play in pan’s labyrinth.

loose your eye and ears. taste and touch. smell? what could be better.

o! i love you.

my thoughts for you are very strong, i woke up and you were there, smiling. i awoke again.